He Defines Me
by Kagelu
Summary: Sirus explains to Dumbledore the love-hate relationship between himself and one Severus Snape. Has slash, RL/SS and one-sided SB/SS


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He Defines Me

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DISCLAIMER**:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. 

A/N: Thanks to Blue Moon for beta-reading

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He Defines Me

A fire burned merrily on the hearth, its light cast across the room that made up the Headmaster's Office. All manner of curious artefacts and furniture cluttered the place. Combined with the colourful décor, it would have given the office a cheerful face if it wasn't for the coat of silence that hung in the air, heavy and tense. There were only two people in the room but no conversation took place to break the opposing atmosphere. 

There are occasions when Albus Dumbledore feels the weight of all his hundred years of life become a burden that is almost too much for anyone to bear…This was one of them as he looked at the black-haired young man seated in the armchair across from him. 

Sirus Black, for his part, merely gave a serene smile. Anyone who didn't know better would have been enchanted on seeing Black's expression, it was a smile that said he was at peace and nothing could destroy the contentment he felt with his world. However, to those who know of the event that had just come to pass in the dungeons. It sent a chill too cold to be conjured up by any mere wind.

Dumbledore continued to study his former student for a while, then, he took a deep breath before speaking, "Sirus, why?"

The other gave a little jolt as if he was coming out of a daydream. "What?"

"Why did you do it? Voldemort has finally been defeated, partly thanks to Severus' efforts too. So why? Is it because you still consider him a danger? If it is, Ican assure you Severus have been loyal to our side throughout the war. He brought us information at the risk of his own life, the potions he created save many of our people, you yourself have seen his loyalty first hand. He is no longer a Death Eater, Sirus. Even if you doubt my word, surely you can believe Remus' judgement." 

Sirus stared at his old Headmaster, then a small chuckle was heard. Lifting his head to meet Dumbledore's glare, Sirus again gave that unnerving smile of his and answered, "I know, sir. I have no doubt he is loyal."

"Then why, Sirus?! Why did you cut Severus' throat?!" This time there was steel behind Dumbledore's voice, not yet shouting but the pain and anger were still there. The twinkle had gone out of his blue eyes and now there was only the drive, the need to know the reason for Sirus' actions this evening.

Sirus didn't change his demeanour. In fact he didn't appear to be listening. Just continued to widen that damn smile. A pause, then Sirus muttered, almost too soft for Dumbledore to catch it. "Severus Snape is not an attractive man." 

Whatever Dumbledore was expecting to hear, that was definitely not it. His shock rendered him speechless. So he didn't say a word when Sirus suddenly swung around, fire in the younger man's eyes and a grin so wide it threatened to split his face.

"Severus is not an attractive man sir, at least not by what one could tell just by looking at his physical appearance. That had never stopped my hands from aching with longing to reach forward and caress the slimy git's pale skin for the past decade." 

The speaker paused to briefly examine his hands in strange fascination. When Sirus returned his attention to his current audience, his eyes were shadowed. Dumbledore's anger now took a shade of worry. "Sirus, are you feeling alright? Perhaps you would like me to have Poppy check on you. See if you have consume any drugs that might explain your behaviour..." 

Sirus half-rose from his seat, a hand sliced through the air effectively cutting off whatever else that might have been said.

"Hah! You think this is some kind of joke don't you, Dumbledore? But it's quite true, I assure you."

"Sirus…"

Sirus gave an impatient bark, "Damn it, Albus. DoYou want to hear this or not? I assume that's the reason you didn't call in the Aurors immediately when you heard of what I did."

A heavy sigh of resignation. "Very well, Sirus. Tell me."

Sirus grinned at his success and settled back down.

"I heard about Severus even before we met at Hogwarts. Because…you know about our families..."

"Yes, the bad blood between them…Go on."

"Well, my parents warned me about him. There were tales about this dark child, the 'changeling' born to the witch who poisoned my cousin and got away with it."

"Sirus, those were only rumours and mostly exaggerations. True, Severus's mother, Rhea was a genius of a Potion Mistress. But you know there is no way a child can become a Squib through a potion. They are just born that way"

Sirus snorted and then laugh. "I know now but I didn't then. I believed them. My first impression of him didn't help. I saw this greasy kid with a bad attitude dressed all in black, standing at the platform. Intending to seek justice for my cousin, I marched up to him and grabbed him by the collar, demanding he hand over the antidote to whatever poison he fed my cousin. As you know, he promptly hexed me and rubbed it in by insulting my intelligence in front of the whole platform. From that moment, I vowed I would make Severus Snape pay."

He paused to catch his breath. 

"His sorting into Slytherin and myself into Gryffindor only enforced my idea that Severus Snape was evil and must be punished. From our first year to our fourth year we were constantly at odds. Then in the fifth year, after we returned from the holidays he had a growth spurt. And I noticed, oh yes, I noticed. How his legs had grown so long they seem to stretch forever, that his skin was coloured like ivory and looked just as smooth. His voice broke while he was away and had acquired that silky tone. Even his walk started to have a grace of its own…"

Here Sirus gave a smile, not noticing the touch of green that was spreading on his former headmaster's face.

Sirus blinked, coming out of his trance. "But most delightful of all was the clever nature and vicious streak in his spells and insults. James noticed that Snape usually reserved the worst for myself and I was secretly overjoyed. The most devious of tricks, the most cutting of remarks, he prepared them with me in mind. The thought was enough to make me puff out with pride and I was flattered that he would go through all the trouble for me. In turn, I did my worst by Snape. It was like we shared a common understanding, a special bond you might say. Prongs thought I was crazy, Peter, the little rat, idolised me for it along with half of the Gryffindor House. Only Remus…dear Moony refused to participate, saying it was cruel and meaningless. I thought he was just being a cold bucket. When Snape took to following us around, I was sure he was paying special attention to me, trying to find my weaknesses. That was until I found out…" 

At the last part, Sirus' voice dwindled into a whisper. He was no longer looking at Dumbledore. Instead he stared pointedly at the floor, not really seeing anything at all. His fists were clutched on the armrests of his chair, resembling claws. The animagus' breath started coming in small puffs and two spots of red coloured his cheeks. 

Dumbledore merely waited in silence until Sirus got his rage under control. Once Sirus calmed down, Dumbledore inquired softly, "Found out what? Sirus?"

Sirus snapped his head up at the other's question. His face twisted to gain a mocking, slightly manic look that would have put off even a Death Eater. "A few months before the mid**-**year Remus became Snape's lab partner thanks to the Potions Master designating our partners. Soon after that, instead of reacting to my pranks and insults like he usually did, Snape became…indifferent as you may. He turned a deaf ear to my insults, didn't respond to my pranks with the same vigour as usual. I noticed but I thought it was merely a phase, that was until I saw them. I decided to get in some extra Quidditch practice late one night and sneaked out using James' cloak without telling any of the others. While I was flying overhead, I suddenly noticed someone hurrying across the field. Pulling the invisibility cloak tighter around myself, I dived in for a closer look. That was when I realised it was Moony. I quickly flew higher to avoid detection by his heightened sense of smell. Thankfully, Remus was suffering from a bout of cold at the time. He came to the edge of the Forbidden Forest and I was about to stop him when someone else stepped out of the shadow." Here the grin became a bitter smile of irony.

Dumbledore sighed deeply, resisting the urge to bury his head in his hands. "Severus."

"Yes. Snape. I thought he was challenging Remus to a Wizard's Duel and was ready to rush in to defend Moony. However, instead of drawing his wand, he…he pulled Snape into a kiss. Not the tame type, mind you but a real deep-tongue kiss. And Severus…he responded…most eagerly in fact. Too eagerly."

Choking the last words out worked Sirus up into a frenzy. 

Watching Sirus breathing heavily, Dumbledore's tone was sad when he spoke.

"And you were not happy with this…"

Sirus stood up so fast his chair rocked. His eyes were ablaze as he screamed, "Happy?! I was furious! He betrayed me. Severus was supposed to have been mine. Mine, you hear me?! Mine! He was supposed to look at me. Only me. We had an understanding, a connection. His time, his attention belonged to me! First and foremost! How could he do this to me? How could he turn his back on me, on us?! After all those years. And Moony! He didn't even have the decency to tell us. We risked breaking the law for him and this is how he repaid me?! By taking what's MINE!" 

With that last outburst, Sirus slammed both palms on Dumbledore's desk. He glared balefully at the Headmaster, a silent challenge to the latter to contradict the statements. When none came, Sirus hurried on, "So, I did some thinking. I needed to get Severus back. Remind him of my existence…at the same time, I needed to stop Moony from going any further. A few days of brainstorming and it came to me."

If Dumbledore was not sick before, he was surely sick by now. "The Whomping Willow."

Mad laughter rang through the office. "Oh yes, it was brilliant! A true stroke of genius, if I say so myself!"

With a flourish, Sirus threw himself back into the armchair.

"After the Whomping Willow incident Snape ignored Remus. He was full of hate against me and focused his attention entirely on getting back at me. Then I heard the rumours…that Snape was a Death Eater. That was when I decided to become an Auror. I couldn't let him go, you see. If he was going to be Seth I was going to be his Osiris. We had been playing at this game for so long, even before Hogwarts. He defines me and I him. I can't imagine life without him."

Another pause, this time longer and the silence more acute. Finally, Black spoke in a voice lined with pain.

"Then I ended up in Azkaban. Did you know that many of those who entered at the same time as myself were driven insane? I didn't because I knew I was innocent and also because I needed to leave. I knew he was out there and this was just another part of the game we were playing."

As Dumbledore examined his former student, he wondered at the back of his mind if Sirus was right about not being insane. 

Sirus sighed dreamily. "And when I came out. He was here. Waiting. Waiting for the game to continue. He tried to turn the Dementors on me but I got the better of him that round. Words fail to describe the thrill I had from being in the game again. Even Remus was on my side…at first."

Hearing that was like hearing the final piece of the puzzle clicked into place. Despite the inner turmoil, Dumbledore was calm when he spoke. "Remus and Severus announced their intention to leave last week. They planned to do some research for an improved version of the Wolfsbane Potion within the next three years."

Sirus snorted in disgust. "Research? Don't give me that crap. I've saw the way they looked at each other. They are doing more than research together, mark my words."

This time Sirus gave a sad little glance. "He was going to betray me again, Headmaster. I couldn't…I just couldn't let that happen. Do you know, what was the worst thing that Dementors threw at me while I was in that hell pit?"

There was no answer to that question so Sirus went on, "It was the idea that I was no longer important enough to Severus and as such he abandoned me, became indifferent. That I no longer mattered to him. And it was starting to happen …I couldn't have that. So I decided that it was time for the grand finale."

A sharp intake of breath.

"I took the razor Harry gave me for my birthday. Then I waited until I knew Remus was not in the castle and Snape was alone in his quarters. I went in, the razor in my pocket. No sense using magic because I suspected he had magical wards on. As expected he saw me, purposely ignored me by turning his back. I crept up behind him, spouting nonsense all the way. He was too engrossed with pointedly ignoring me so he didn't turn around. When I was close enough, I grabbed him with my free hand and ran the razor over his throat.

The blood that sprayed out was so beautiful…a shower of red rose petals. He didn't die immediately. I suspect that high collar of his lessened the depth of the cut from what I initially intended. He tried to fight back, just like the good old days. But no matter. In the end, he went still in my arms. "

Sirus leaned back at that and again there was that oh-too-peaceful smile. Dumbledore bowed his head as he fashioned his thoughts.

After a long pause, Dumbledore opened his mouth to speak but Sirus beat him to it, "It was sweet."

"What?"

"It was sweet. The blood that coated Severus's lips as he laid dying in my arms, I couldn't help myself. I bent down to kiss those lips painted red by his blood as if he had worn makeup. And they were sweet, as sweet as I imagined them to be. I think that silly Malfoy kid must have mistook me for a vampire when he walked in on us. If not, he did screamed loud enough for one to think he saw one. And the rest you know, Headmaster. His screams attracted the attention of Minerva, who came rushing to see what all the commotion was about. The important thing is-I was the last one who mattered most in Severus' life, because I am the one who ended it. Again, he defined me and I him. The game is at an end and we would always be remembered in terms of each other."

With that, Sirus smiled happily and turned expectantly at Dumbledore.

The older wizard spoke in a grave tone.

"Severus will recover, Sirus."

The animagus blinked, then stood up in shock as he roared. "What?! That's impossible, I slit his throat!"

For an answer, Dumbledore laid his weary gaze on the man before him. "Sirus…yes, yes you did but Severus has always been prepared for assassination attempts. He keeps a small pill of a special variation of the Draught of Living Death hidden in one of his teeth. The Draught gave him the appearance of death but also causes a coma that effectively put his body in stasis for a short while. Usually long enough for help to arrive, as in this case."

"No, no! It can't be! I don't believe you! I…I need to see him, need to finish this. I** c**an't let him get away."

"Sirus, no. I won't let you hurt him." There was power behind those words.

Sirus spied Dumbledore as if seeing him for the first time. "No, no you won't, will you? And I have no hope of getting past you, Headmaster."

There was a pregnant silence. Dumbledore sighed tiredly, bowing his head in sorrow. He didn't notice when Sirus' eyes took on a glaze way too bright for the situation at hand. Didn't notice Sirus when the younger wizard removed a wand from his robes and pointed it at his own throat. 

Dumbledore only realised when he heard Sirus talking again. "No, there is only one more way I can make this right. If he won't define me than I will shape him. I can't be his murderer- but he could be mine."

Later witnesses would tell of how a blast of green light flashed bright through the windows of the Headmaster's Office. Those waiting outside the office would tell of hearing Dumbledore's shout of "No!"

And those closest to the door would go further to tell of having heard Black's final scream of "_Avada Kedavra._"


End file.
